Updated: Nov 22, 2021
In order for me to truly heal my relationship with the masculine, I knew I had to return to the root, the first divine masculine being in my life: My father. It’s been a long road. I grew up with an alcoholic, volatile, emotionally unavailable & avoidant father. He also happens to be quite misogynistic, despite having 5 daughters.
Growing up, my body & my nervous system were always on edge, because I never knew when he was next going to explode. Thank the Lord, underneath all his pain, my father has the biggest heart & is one of the most thoughtful, generous people I know. He is literally the gift that keeps on giving.
Many times, I had to distance myself to heal. My nervous system is still healing. The more distance I took, the more I felt the purity of his heart. I now see how badly his own fucked up childhood has influenced his way of being.
He truly did the best he could, with what he knew. I honor him for that. No parents ever really intend to hurt us. In most cases, they were not taught tools or given the opportunity to heal their traumas, like we have been.
Many of them are still functioning in survival mode. Many of them had no healthy role models. Many of them are basically kids in adult bodies. We get to be their light now.
I realised, I needed to evolve a new perspective if I was ever going to have a relationship with this man. I had to surrender to being “right” in this situation. Blaming my father for many of my shadows, was simply not taking full accountability for my life experience, no matter how fucked up it was.
Being lost in the story of the wounded Maiden in her victimhood, was never empowering me. It was draining me. And because in the end, true compassionate family love can be so uniquely forgiving (with the right set of tools 🙏🏽).
I had to let go of all of the ways I felt a father “should” be offering his love to his daughter…
So many of you have reached out to say that you too have experienced a deep father wound or an alcoholic parent, but were unaware of its impact until now. Or maybe you’re just feeling stuck in how to move forward.
Forgiving = forward giving
Self-development takes courage & effort, yes, but life is short. Our time with our parents is even shorter. It’s sacred. I’ve done hours of forgiveness rituals, meditations & plant medicine ceremony, which completely reharmonised my entire inner world.
I try not to have expectations of my fathers emotional support (or lack of) anymore because I understand it’s simply not a language he himself was ever taught as a child. I’m not constantly triggered anymore. I don’t give a reaction, instead I offer him my compassion & I break down the pattern again & again.
I look for the purity in the situation. I focus on the connection. I realise that, even if it’s being translated in a fragmented way, underneath it all he is merely seeking love & connection. However, I do not condone toxic behaviour & it’s important to state when a boundary has been overstepped with non-violent communication (NVC is life changing ~ research it!).
I remain centred, I breathe deeply, I focus on the heart connection & I become an inner alchemist. Inner alchemy gets easier every day, the more I meditate. It gives me the ability to stay centred & have the skills to be in a conversation as a WITNESS of my triggers, as opposed to being a slave who instinctively reacts to them.
My dad & I have hardly been able to get on until now ~ until I was mature enough to do the inner-work. It’s transformed our relationship. I stopped acting from my wounded inner child in every interaction.I realised I held the power to show him the way, through my own inner-peace & self-compassion. It taught me how to see the purity & beauty in the hearts of men, in all situations.
I have SO much more to share! Maybe a podcast episode on this topic? ❤️🔥